The Day after MLK Day

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr.’s Holiday and what did I do? Volunteer work, riding the freedom train, watching a MLK special on television,  resting, sleeping? Oh but no! I spent the day worrying, crying, being a mom taxi and cleaning up after the kids, cleaning the house, paying bills on-line, dealing with my mortgage company and with the insurance company, washing and folding clothes and feeling as if no one really ever knows how much I do.  I could feel my hand picking up a sewing needle so I could just stab myself – self-inflicted pain. When I feel overwhelmed I generally don’t want to speak to anyone that really knows me because they do really know me and they will hear it in my voice.  My bestest girlfriend called me and I immediately told her in a chipper voice that I need to call her back.  When  I did call her she heard it. She told me I was just plain ole’ tired and stressed and finally she said “you know, you don’t have to do it by yourself? It is ok to ask?”

  I said I know, I know and then I went on to talk about the same scripture that I spoke about on my last blog.  She listened and told me it will be o.k.  I blew my nose, hung up and went and leaned on someone for another much needed hug.

I had no idea that menopause was so emotional and draining and confusing.  The body is hot, then cold, then hot and the mind – sometimes I can’t even remember what that thing is you put the dishes in to wash – yep, the dishwasher – or where did I park my van? One day after spending far too many 120 minutes in WalMart, I exited proud of my purchases and realized I had become those women/men you see walking around the parking lot. LOST! I was so embarrassed.  I then began to walk slow, pushing my cart and picked up my cell phone and called my 14 year old son.  I asked him how he was doing and then he responded fine.  I told him that he was not going to believe it but I can’t find the van.  I told him to just keep talking to me so people driving by won’t think I have lost the van.  He said but mom you have.  I said I know hon I am getting old.  He said I know mom.  When I found the van after talking to my son, I said woohoo and hung up.  I put all of my loot in the van and got into the driver seat and began to cry.  Yep I am almost 49, my neck is a little wrinkly and my children are extremely young, labor intensive and fabulous and nerve wracking all wrapped into one.  I am engage and not engaged, in love and not in love, determined to do and become the best mother in the whole wide world and hormonal.  Just out and out K R A Z Y.  This too shall pass.  

This morning I woke up and turn on my preachers and voila there was Joyce Meyer , followed by TD Jakes and they were both speaking about going through until you get to the other side.  Joyce spoke about how her husband stayed with her when even she would’ve left her own self, she was unlovable and not a nice woman yet with his help she made it through.  It is a constant struggle to try to become the person that you should.  However without the struggle there would be no end in sight.  TD Jakes spoke about all of the things we have that we don’t know we have.  All of the things that we have gone through in our lives the Lord already knew we were going to go through them and He already knew we were going to eventually get it, learn the Lesson and come out victorious.  The victory may not come right away but in His time. This is the part that is so difficult.  We tend to second guess ourselves, when the thing we want is not coming as fast as we think it should. I am guilty of going back to what was comfortable and not move on and press through to be able to come out victorious.

Imagine what it must’ve been like to be Martin Luther King Jr.  He had to be anointed and appointed.  How many of us could have gone through all that he went through and still believe in the goodness and kindness of all mankind, similar to Anne Frank – there is a God in all of us.  How did he dig so deep inside to realize that what the Spirit is speaking to him is in fact the truth.  It is the only way and regardless of the personal sacrifices he had to go through the dream was bigger than him.  He was tempted as was Adam in the garden by a woman in life.  The apple is the woman’s sweet gift to man and the man rarely knows how to say no to free food.  However he must say No and we must say Not.  Just because it is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it is wrong.  Just because you don’t say you love me is not a reason to fall .  The gift that God has given me is this amazing ability to write and speak the spoken word on purpose and for my retirement at 55.


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