Not Yet

I wrote re-al-it-y on Friday night and thought I had hit publish.  Well it turns out I did not.  So my re-al-it-y on January 29th ended up being viewed tonight, Sunday. This is the day that the Lord has made.  I will retire at 55 by writing.

This weekend was productive and fulfilling. My freezer died on me and for about 1 day and a half it was just cool.  The Sears guy came out and replaced one part to the tune of $250.00 and of course it worked.  I spen Saturday cleaning the freezer, grocery shopping and of course washing clothes and being Mom Taxi. My plumbing at my rental was completed and it ran $6,700.00.  I can say that this 2 weeks has allowed me to realize that a blessing is coming. (smile) Why, cause I have certainly been tested!!  Today I felt a wave of emotion when I had a memory of pain that I felt when someone I loved turned away from me.  It appears that that pain is so very close to me that it is something that I have yet to overcome.  A sadness came over me in a wave of pain that hurt.  I mean really hurt. Here I was looking at someone who I thought loved me and well perhaps they did.  But not in the way that feels like love to me.  I realized as I sat down that nothing had changed and their experiences and mine are not compatible.  I realize that through prayer all things are possible.  I realized that love sometimes is just not enough to sustain 2 people when both peoples loves are different and the manifestation of that difference touches neither’s soul intimately. This is where the “not yet” comes in.

Sis. L.  spoke this morning, Women’s Sunday.  The Women’s Choir sang and it felt good.  Sis. L. spoke about Isaiah 26:3-4 which says that He will keep you in perfect peace when you trust in the Lord. She spoke about when we speak praise in the atmosphere the devil is unhappy because he works on the outside of us.  By speaking praise, honoring His name and saying out loud what we want – we disrupt the atmosphere and thereby disrupt the devil. We have to take command over our flesh, over our words, over our actions.  No one else can do that by us.  She said that we may not have whatever we want “yet” however  our God is able.  She made me and the POC family think about the fact that we do in fact have the victory and she made me think about all of the things that I don’t have “yet”.  Retirement is coming and I do not “yet” have enough money to retire on and take care of my children but it is coming.  She is a woman who I know from church who is extremely grounded in His word. When she speaks you feel it. She tells you stories of her struggles with her children, how the Lord came and saved one of her children when she asked HIm.  I cried, she cried and so did everyone who heard her. She said that our jobs, the money are just resources – God is our rock eternal. He will supply all of our needs.  He does. He may not come when we want him however He is always right on time.  No matter when He shows up – He shows up.

I know that I already know that in order to learn anything we must first grow through some kind of growing pains and I learned that while we let the cut heal it hurts; however hurt to heal it must. I just want to really really really know so that I won’t hurt. Well,  I hurt and it lets me know I am healing. I still have a way to go.


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