Worry No More

This morning I heard John Hagee say that worry is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do yet it gets you nowhere.  I, of course, went directly to my note pad and wrote this statement down and thought about it all day.  When I hear something that rocks the inside of me, I always write it down.  Then I carry it with me all day.  If I am going to work, I take the note and put it in my office next to my computer so I can see it all day.  If I am going to be home, I keep the note in my bedroom where I see if often, if I am just hanging out and running errands I keep it with me in my wallet and when I open the wallet to pay for something I see the note which I have transferred to a post-it and I know what it says.  These habits allow me to meditate on  a particular thought all day.  This is how I learn.  I not only have to see it and hear it, I have to write it in my hand in order to remember anything.  If I don’t do that, I often times forget. 

I spent the better part of my late 30’s and early 40’s in a state of worry. Not realizing that the over and over stream of consciousness images that played in my mind was just a waste of time. I said I believed in God however I never allowed God to run my life.  I figured that because things were not going the way I thought they should in my time and in my way, I should help the Lord out.  You know he is so busy. (smile)  I rushed my children through their day, I rushed myself through experiences, I didn’t slow down until I became so ill that I was forced to.  I became ill with my psoriasis because I wasn’t taking care of me.  My skin reflected the angst and it shut me down emotionally and physically and spiritually –  I was drained.  I didn’t even realize I was stressed and worried until this event happened.  Inside I was  a ball of tears.  Constantly crying in the shower in my alone time.  Feeling as if I was such a good person and why wouldn’t someone want to be with me.  Feeling as if I didn’t deserve to have to do all of this by myself.  I mean really, I work every day, take care of the kids in all aspects – homework, health, recreation, their social events and nurturing, I was the one paying all of the bills, washing the van, fixing what I could around the house, taking guff off of a man who said he loved me however when I finally was falling apart physically, told me that he just didn’t feel it anymore. Huh?  The pain was intense. I wasn’t perfect however I know I didn’t deserve that.   My ex-husband had told me that I was simple on so many occasions and this hurt.  Simple in his mind meant that I was stupid. After 10 years of me trying to stay married, he couldn’t tell me that he didn’t feel it anymore because he is passive aggressive; however, what he did was to begin to ignore me and the children, he slowly and very visually began to do things to make sure he would bring me pain, it worked. The pain was so deep and his passivity began to be a little scary so I divorced him. I worried because I had never been divorced.  I didn’t know what to expect.  I didn’t want to be divorced however I knew that I could NOT allow this type of treatment to continue. Deep down inside I wanted him to come around and tell me he loved me and you know the whole prince charming jumping off of his horse to declare his love for me – yes right! You guessed it. That didn’t happen. The next man I dated wanted to get married in less than 2 months, that was a little creepy. He wasn’t anything like the man I loved however he was something to do. I began to see a little bit of poutiness in his personality and he was overly occupied with champagne and he kept score of who bought what and how much he spent on me. I stayed and then one day he decided that he wouldn’t call me for 2 weeks, then when he did call he said he wanted to talk to me in a real serious kind of tone.  Sounded more like a summons than a question. mmm. I actually was pleasant on the phone but was too busy to deal with him and told him to call me on Sunday (I had a wedding to go to).  He never did call and I never heard from him ever again. He said he was a grown man who knew what he wanted. Ooh Kay?  

The next guy was in love with me so much that we were engaged within 6 months. I wanted to love him and I did.  I wanted to be married and thought he would complete me. I found that I was putting up with a lot of verbal abuse and his children, well that is a whole ‘nother story.   He then began to do what all of them had  done – ignore me.  I forgot to say all of the men I dated began to stop calling me as if a way to let me know they were really in charge.  That hurt. I then did what women do, ramp it up to try to understand and explain and then finally they move away from me. My ex and my love  – – I would have done anything for and I guess it came off clingy.  My love – still.  I believe then as I believe now that a man should be the head. However this time and just like the time before I had grown up and realized that this relationship was not going to last.  Even with my husband and with what I consider to be the real love of my life I knew it wasn’t going to last and I remained and stayed and tried and tried and tried.  Often times allowing myself to be talked to as if I had no feelings and wondering why I took it.  I was worried about what they were going to do and at my age, who would ever love me. I worried until I could no longer worry.  I worried until the Lord finally spoke to me and said ‘now, how have you done Yolande?’  He spoke to me and He told me that He has sustained me throughout all of the ups and downs of my love life. He reminded me that I was able to pay my own bills and clothe and feed not only myself but my children, He gave me a job that allowed me to be able to pay my mortgage and to not have to ask anyone for help.  Albeit, at the times when I was worried when things were a little tight and I asked these men who I had given my body to and had loved and shared many intimate moments and who had never asked for anything other than love and a soft place to land – when I asked for a little help the answer was either no or you will work it out or just silence. Interesting. This last year and a half I know the man who will come into my life and my children’s lives will be one that the Lord is going to send.  A man who can really get me and understand that yes I can take care of most things, I however want a man who wants to be my friend for life. A man who can just be with me.  A man who will love my children and a man who will appreciate that I am a woman 100% who knows that God is the beginning and the end.  I want my children to thrive in the manner in which they are thriving and to continue to be extra special little people.  I would love to fall into his arms at night and know that I have someone who is interested in being a man who is there for the long haul, not just for every now and then.  It will happen in God’s time.

I can honestly say that I don’t worry.  Well, um, maybe, maybe a teeny tiny bit – I am working on it. I think about a situation and I pray about a situation and then I recount to myself all of  the things that God has brought me and my children through.  I think about the amazing poems I have written, the pieces that have been published and the performances I have given and produced and the  speeches and retreat I have done and the writer in me is a bad mamma jamma.  I have learned that things happen.  My children are my blessing. I am a 49-year-old woman who is going to be 50.  I am really comfortable with myself and know I am fired up for this thing that God has given me and that is me.  I will retire at 55 and this writing will allow me to do it.

Yolande Barial 

An inspirational and spiritual writer and poet. My life-long journey is to encourage and empower sisters, young and seasoned to become on-purpose. She uses her unique voice to express the reality that all things are possible with God.

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