Pain

On Friday I learned that a close friend of one of my divasisters committed suicide.  I was sitting in my office and she called. In her voice I heard angst and immediately asked her what was wrong.  She told me he killed  himself through tears and pain.  I told her to go home and I was on my way.  I called the remaining two divasisters the response was the same – we are on our way.  I arrived in about an hour and a half, one diva was already there and shortly after my arrival the other one arrived. We rocked, we hugged, we cried, we cleaned the house, we made coffee, we played with the dog, we laughed and we watched her moan, we went through photographs together looking for him and reminding us how many years we have known each other in photos. We see skinny brown girls with smooth skin and tight behinds having fun.  Girls with stomachs pushed out impregnated with life-sons and daughters and having fun. In our expected diva pose we love one another – for real.  As we watched her moan we cried for her pain.  We knew him, yes, he was a part of the fun we had when he lived in the same area. He made us laugh, he told great stories, he could cook, he had a great smile and he was warm and a lover of my divasister sitting in pain.  She loved him as friends love one another, he a female version of us and a man on a mission wanting to be accepted by his family who would not. He left a note for my diva sister. She will read it after the memorial that she and the other of his closest friends are going to have  to celebrate his life.

Suicide leaves those left behind feeling left behind.  I have been in pain in my life.  I have hurt so bad that I thought that crying was all I would ever do.  All of my deep pain has been caused because I allowed someone else to validate who I was.  I allowed a man to dictate if I was worthy of  love or worthy of him. I didn’t know that I didn’t know that I didn’t know, that I am the only one that validates me and God is the only one that provides for me.  I am blessed in the fact that I have never thought that taking my life was the answer probably because I was afraid of doing it and because I know pain and I know how bad it feels to be ignored and left behind.  I would never want to leave anyone behind in my life without them feeling the full brunt of my love for them.  I would not on purpose remove myself from those I love; especially my children. 

The pain I have had in years past eventually left.  The fact that I got up and got up and got  up again every morning allowed my aha moment to come and allowed me to realize that it will pass. Pain does go away and even though it can last for years it does subside if we but recognize that time is fleeting and it waits for no one.  As a person who knows that there is a God and who firmly believes that “this too shall pass” I must remain grounded in this phrase of truth and it will pass.  How must it feel to not believe that it is possible for the new day to bring a new truth?  I don’t know. 

When I was a little girl, I faintly remember being told that when people kill themselves they do not go to heaven or hell, they go to purgatory. Purgatory is the in between place that the souls goes to and the only way that you can escape from purgatory and go to heaven is that you must have people on earth pray for you.  I am not 100% sure if I was told this or I thought it up all in my little girls mind; whatever the case I think it and so I figure it couldn’t hurt to pray.  I pray for him, our friend and hope he is out of his personal pain.  I pray that he rests and that the Lord will place him where he is destined to go. I pray for my divasisterfriend that her pain is comforted by the words of his note and the words of our God.

Yolande Barial
Your Words Project: Speaking on Purpose

Seeks to Enrich the Lives of Women through Spoken and Written Word.
510-589-6445

https://yolandebarial.wordpress.com/

http://www.redroom.com/member/yolandebarial

ybarial@gmail.com

“Through her inspirational writings and spiritual poetry, Yolande Barial empowers women of all ages to be on purpose.”

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