Not Yet

I wrote re-al-it-y on Friday night and thought I had hit publish.  Well it turns out I did not.  So my re-al-it-y on January 29th ended up being viewed tonight, Sunday. This is the day that the Lord has made.  I will retire at 55 by writing.

This weekend was productive and fulfilling. My freezer died on me and for about 1 day and a half it was just cool.  The Sears guy came out and replaced one part to the tune of $250.00 and of course it worked.  I spen Saturday cleaning the freezer, grocery shopping and of course washing clothes and being Mom Taxi. My plumbing at my rental was completed and it ran $6,700.00.  I can say that this 2 weeks has allowed me to realize that a blessing is coming. (smile) Why, cause I have certainly been tested!!  Today I felt a wave of emotion when I had a memory of pain that I felt when someone I loved turned away from me.  It appears that that pain is so very close to me that it is something that I have yet to overcome.  A sadness came over me in a wave of pain that hurt.  I mean really hurt. Here I was looking at someone who I thought loved me and well perhaps they did.  But not in the way that feels like love to me.  I realized as I sat down that nothing had changed and their experiences and mine are not compatible.  I realize that through prayer all things are possible.  I realized that love sometimes is just not enough to sustain 2 people when both peoples loves are different and the manifestation of that difference touches neither’s soul intimately. This is where the “not yet” comes in.

Sis. L.  spoke this morning, Women’s Sunday.  The Women’s Choir sang and it felt good.  Sis. L. spoke about Isaiah 26:3-4 which says that He will keep you in perfect peace when you trust in the Lord. She spoke about when we speak praise in the atmosphere the devil is unhappy because he works on the outside of us.  By speaking praise, honoring His name and saying out loud what we want – we disrupt the atmosphere and thereby disrupt the devil. We have to take command over our flesh, over our words, over our actions.  No one else can do that by us.  She said that we may not have whatever we want “yet” however  our God is able.  She made me and the POC family think about the fact that we do in fact have the victory and she made me think about all of the things that I don’t have “yet”.  Retirement is coming and I do not “yet” have enough money to retire on and take care of my children but it is coming.  She is a woman who I know from church who is extremely grounded in His word. When she speaks you feel it. She tells you stories of her struggles with her children, how the Lord came and saved one of her children when she asked HIm.  I cried, she cried and so did everyone who heard her. She said that our jobs, the money are just resources – God is our rock eternal. He will supply all of our needs.  He does. He may not come when we want him however He is always right on time.  No matter when He shows up – He shows up.

I know that I already know that in order to learn anything we must first grow through some kind of growing pains and I learned that while we let the cut heal it hurts; however hurt to heal it must. I just want to really really really know so that I won’t hurt. Well,  I hurt and it lets me know I am healing. I still have a way to go.

Re-al-i-ty

I want to retire at 55.  I will.  I want my children to be successful in whatever they pursue. I want them to believe in the Lord that supplies our needs, I want them to be good citizens and moral people with the fiber and the internal fortitude to sustain the inevitable winds that will come.  I want them to dream daily, meet their own written down goals and I want them to always view the glass as half full. 

My re-al-i-ty allows me to take the mask off of my eyes and realize that my life although not perfect is wonderful for me and for my children.  I have a job that allows me to take care of my children, I have a nice home that I own and pay for all by my little lonesome, I have a network of friends and family that sometimes amazes me, I am blessed with a good church and a strong belief that God is in my life. My real-i-ty tells me that there are going to be times when I don’t know how it is going to work out I just stand on the words that I read in my bible that if he did it for them he will do it for me.  I just have to stand at the red sea and walk through and it will part.  

My work week has been intense.  My boss has been gone for a week and I have worked my booty off doing my job and his job.  My son had a game yesterday and my 11-year-old had an D.A.R.E. graduation ceremony at the same time.  I couldn’t do both, so I went to the 11 year olds graduation.  He was so proud of himself and he received the Community Service award.   He is my quiet child and I love him muchos. Tonight I went to my older sons game, then took my daughter to brownie’s came home took a shower and now I sit and think about blogging.  I am happy.

It’s Wednesday

Hump Day! And an extremely busy hump day it was!  My real good friend and coworker and partner in crime of all things ‘fun’ was hospitalized last night because she was having chest pains. I was afraid for her. I am sure she was also. I am learning more and more the older I get and the longer I live I realize the importance of  life and time and the ability to begin anew.  I will miss her when she retires because she reminds me of me now and the me I see in her I hope to have at 66.  My retirement at 55 is a-coming. Her retirement in June is also coming.

 Today was also the State of the Union Address given by my President. http://www.barackobama.com/issues/ I  know, I know he is our president and Michelle’s man; however it makes me feel a sense of ownership when I call him My President.  I say it with the high pitch cuteness one hears in the voices of grown women when a baby comes into the office. And the baby smiles, giggles, blows spit bubbles, burps or farts.  We think the baby is soooo cute. My President spoke abut differences and the fact that even though they exist, we must find a way to make it work for the common good. If the Lord doesn’t continue to bring up our pasts then why can’t we? Today I thought of my friend all day and even though we are a lot alike we are different.  She is white and I am black.  She is a lesbian in a committed 20 year relationship and I am straight, divorced and raising 3 children alone. She appears to be financially sound and I am trying to get sound. Our individualities make us each unique; our individual ways of expressing  joy, excitement, sadnesses and disgust are dffferent.  She eats ‘tata chips like a puppy chomping on popcorn – smacking with head back so the chips/popcorn won’t come out of her mouth.  I curse, she does not.   She quilts, I admire her quilting.  We both write, we both love to organize and delegate, we are both kind, considerate and compassionate women who put action behind our remarks, we admit when we are wrong, we have mothers who make us better and stronger women and sisters in our lives that are equally as strong as we.  She is seen as nice, I am a little high strung. We worship God in different ways – we believe in the betterment of all.  We are different, our goals is common. 

Like My President Obama we want our children’s future to be brighter and better and I think between the 2 of us we oughta’  be able to work something out.  She called me today and she is fine, was being released today.  While we were on the phone giggling about her eventful hospital stay her cardiologist walked in the room.  She immediately said I have to go my cardiologist is walking in the room! I said is he single and she said “you can steal him! ” That’s my girl!

Is it Wednesday yet?

I had the usual unbelievably busy Monday.  Once a month I have to work until about 10 p.m. because  I am the secretary responsible for setting up and taking minutes for a meeting of one of the citizen committee’s at my office.  I actually like the meeting because the members are interesting men and women who care about the land, the animals and wildlife of the state of California. They put action behind their words and actually attend meetings and participate in policy discussions on their own time.  They are volunteers who are definitely not paid in money however their passion pays them in massive doses. They love it and the ideas and comments and knowledge that is sitting in those rooms is astounding to me.  I have always loved learning and take the opportunity to learn whenever and wherever I am.  I can sit in an interesting class about anything that interests me. I love to sit and listen to people talk about what makes them happy, what completes them.   I listened to a c coworker talk about scrapbooking and by the time she finished she I felt like running down to Michaels and purchasing all of the stuff to scrapbook, another coworker spoke about rowing and how much she enjoys it.  I am not a fan of any kind of boat however after she finished describing the discipline and the way the water makes her feel I felt like signing up for a boating class that afternoon. 

My passions are many.  My God, children, my writing and my family. ?Work is not my passion however when I am there for my 7.5 hours a day (except this once a month which is 13 hours) I am passionate about it.  In order to be efficient my passion extends into my organization and when given the opportunity to schedule my day my way – I am extremely organised and passionate.  That is my continual need, desire to be in control.

My children have gotten it.  They are organized and they are managing to complete tasks without me having to do any of the patrolling like I did last week.  Amazing what a difference  a few days can make.   Their punishment was not to be able to see their favorite friends on the weekend.   Well that appeared to be all it took.  Pray for me that they keep up their good work.

My control of things – well one of my diva girlfriends said and I quote “you do run a pretty tight ship.” The first time she said that I was shocked and a little hurt.  I mean really, just because I make the kids keep a schedule, they are not allowed to talk back or curse, they have to go to church and participate in something at the church, they have chores and they must say please and thank you and do their homework. This allows me time to spend reading with them and talking to them.  I made myself a promise to spend a minimum of 30 minutes per child per day with them.  This slows me down and they so enjoy just talking with me without their sibling butting in every 10 minutes.  

What have I been doing waiting for the elusive hump day – Wednesday?  Thanks to my writing coach Teresa LeYungRyan  www.WritingCoachTeresa.com  Teresa has just published a 22-day playbook , “Build Your Name, Beat the Game: Be Happily Published”, I have been writing and reading ! I am now an official red room author.  www.redroom.com/member/YOLANDEBARIAL.  I am working real hard for my retirement at the early age of 55.

Trouble Won’t Last Always

This is the day that the Lord Has Made.  The pastor began with Psalm 34 where David begins by saying I will praise the Lord at all times. He then talks about that when you seek the Lord he will deliver you from fear.  NOT from the thing from which you are afraid, but from the fear of the thing.  Now that is far different from what most of us want.  Well, maybe not you, me. 

I had a weekend where I was mom taxi again.  I loved it this time.  Saturday I spent the day driving to UC Berkeley where my 14-year-old was accepted into an entrepreneurial program during his 8th grade year at the HAAS School of Business.  They meet monthly for the next 4 years.  A great program for him that he really enjoys and one that has exposed him to an amazing group of local business people who have made it and exposure to the campus and the students and the professors who give their time to talk to these young people.  My other children came with me and my second son wanted to go and hang out with one of his long time buddies (they are 11 now) that lives in Oakland.  They had of course already arranged the visit so both his mom and I just said ok and I dropped him off. He was in heaven.  My daughter who had announced to me last week that she wanted to spend time alone with just she and I.  She of course added that she wanted to go to McDonald’s and eat and then she could play.  I said it sounds like I am getting the raw end of the deal and she said not we can just talk me and you.  That is what we did.  She talked and I talked, we looked into each other’s eyes and she seemed so happy for me to pay attention to her only.  After she had eaten her 2 McGriddles she went to play and I opened my book and I was in heaven.  A whole hour uninterrupted – I was able to read!!  She came back every 10 minutes or so to get a drink and after the 3rd trip back she came with a friend.  My daughter meets other children so easily.  They bounded back and she took a sip and her friend took a sip from her grandmother’s table (who was also in heaven – you have no idea unless you have one how much a little girl can talk and talk and talk). They both bounced back to the play structure and I got back into my book Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M. Auel.  My sister turned me on to this book and I love it!   This writer can write about drinking water and I promise you by the time you finished reading her description your thirst will have been quenched.

I say all of this to say that my fear over being alone, over the money that I have to pay for the plumbing, over the things that I cannot control subsided.  HIs angels have surrounded me and managed to give me comfort.  I  think of the Haitian people sleeping in the streets, of the mothers who cannot feed their children, of the children who have lost a parent,  of all the homes and businesses that are destroyed and the fathers who feel helpless and then my little problems are well just little. Psalm 34 adds to taste and see that the Lord is good blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. This reminds me to put all things in perspective.

I write  to retire at 55 and I write for comfort, for peace, for my sanity and because I love it. God has blessed me with this ability to write and blessings given must be used.  I honor the Lord with my gift of gratitude for not only this gift, also my 3 children who are unique and individually gifted.

Hope for Haiti

www.hopeforhaitinow.org   There is a will to survive and to be and do mo’ better.  I am deeply humbled that our media that just last week was wasting their time on what were Jay and Conan going to do, who did Tiger sleep with and  Palin is she really going to be on FOX.  These very same people now have stepped up to the plate and are doing the right thing.  I am almost amazed that what I am seeing and hearing is true.  I shouldn’t be.  Our God always finds a way to get us to listen.  Yes, times are hard here  in the U.S., yet they are harder there. An earthquake of this magnitude was devastating to the people and their country.  These are the same people we put back into their boats when they tried to come to our country and like it or not that same boat we pushed back we are now bringing it back to them. With arms extended saying we are here to help you and we are so sorry.  In the midst of sorrow and of grief, the human spirit is called upon to rise to the occasion and act out the meaning of what it really is to be humane, to be an American, to be a human being who is be-ing.

Productive

Today was a good day.  My children did what they were supposed to do! I know, I know only been a few days but I praised them as if they had been good all week. It worked. Tonight my middle son read his 30 minutes with ease, put up the dishes and emptied the garbage! My oldest son put in the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and did all of his homework before basketball practice. My daughter didn’t get benched because it was rainy day recess however she did finish the work, and even had done her Thursday homework before I came home from work! Then she told me before she went to sleep that she was ging to keep up the good work.  I said great!

At work I was able to complete all of my taks and my bosses. He has gone on vacation until the beginning of February.  It was a rainy day and it was a perfect day to be inside and be productive.

Can Mommy’s Have a Temper Tantrum ?

Can I get a collective “hoo ha!” Of course we can! Consider me fully tantrumed and for a 49 year old doing her best to retire by the age of 55 – if they don’t send me to the looney bin first – I need a big ole’ time-out.  I have spent the last few days yelling and threatening 2 of my 3 children to just put up the dishes, read for 30 minutes a night, keep your room clean, don’t leave towels on the floor and do your homework when you get home from school not when I get home from work. Wow! Kids can actually drive you crazy.  This week has been particularly trying and it has only been 2 days of work.  Work is a breeze it is coming home and doing the kid stuff that’ll send you right over the edge.  What is a mom to do?  Well I have done all of the above and it is 9:34 p.m. and my 8 year old is finally finishing up this lesson on California Indians.  She was to have done it today or she would have been benched.  I emailed her teacher to let her teacher know that she should get benched because she waited until 6:30 this morning to tell me she had to do the lesson and of course it didn’t get done.  Well it turns out the teacher didn’t even check it because it happend to rain in buckets all day and the kids had rainy day recess.  So tomorrow is do or die for my little princess.  I will let you know the outcome. 

I woke up this morning listening to Creflo Dollar talking about stress and of course I was only able to get the first 3 – he says there are five. I hope the second part airs tomorrow morning, sso I can get what the remaining two stressors.  He says uncertainty, unresolved conflict and unrealistic comparison.  So simple and so true.  When we are not sure of a thing or what’s gonna happen next we do tend to be stressed, at least I am.  I go back and forth in my mind about what will happen if I do this or what will happen if I don’t do that, and then I move into full blown unease – not quite sure of myself.  Even though I know who holds all of the solutions I still continue to try to fight it in my mind until I settle on the answer which of course is and always will be HIM.  I thought unrealistic comparison and for me what that means is that I compare my interactions with another and sometimes come up with the feeling that if I was another color they wouldn’t treat me like that?  And then I go from there to saying I wish I had a man like such and such has and really I have no clue what such and such has had to go through and probably still going through in order to get what I think I see.  It could be a hot mess in their house. I have no  clue.

Mommy’s can have meltdowns. They are entitled to have them.  Being a mom is one of  the hardest things that anyone can do.  We are molding young minds and shaping these teeny tiny be-ings into people that others like to hang around. It is intense, it is time consuming, it is overwhelming, it is a struggle and it is all worth it in the end.  Right now it doesn’t seem like it because I am exhausted; however in my heart I know it is the right thing to do.  Invest in them so that they can invest in themselves. I love my children and they love me.  We work together and apart and then together again.   They complete me.

I began this morning with the thought of the Lord and I end it with the thought of the Lord.  All things are possible in and through HIM.

The Day after MLK Day

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr.’s Holiday and what did I do? Volunteer work, riding the freedom train, watching a MLK special on television,  resting, sleeping? Oh but no! I spent the day worrying, crying, being a mom taxi and cleaning up after the kids, cleaning the house, paying bills on-line, dealing with my mortgage company and with the insurance company, washing and folding clothes and feeling as if no one really ever knows how much I do.  I could feel my hand picking up a sewing needle so I could just stab myself – self-inflicted pain. When I feel overwhelmed I generally don’t want to speak to anyone that really knows me because they do really know me and they will hear it in my voice.  My bestest girlfriend called me and I immediately told her in a chipper voice that I need to call her back.  When  I did call her she heard it. She told me I was just plain ole’ tired and stressed and finally she said “you know, you don’t have to do it by yourself? It is ok to ask?”

GirlFriends Love You Anyway

  I said I know, I know and then I went on to talk about the same scripture that I spoke about on my last blog.  She listened and told me it will be o.k.  I blew my nose, hung up and went and leaned on someone for another much needed hug.

I had no idea that menopause was so emotional and draining and confusing.  The body is hot, then cold, then hot and the mind – sometimes I can’t even remember what that thing is you put the dishes in to wash – yep, the dishwasher – or where did I park my van? One day after spending far too many 120 minutes in WalMart, I exited proud of my purchases and realized I had become those women/men you see walking around the parking lot. LOST! I was so embarrassed.  I then began to walk slow, pushing my cart and picked up my cell phone and called my 14 year old son.  I asked him how he was doing and then he responded fine.  I told him that he was not going to believe it but I can’t find the van.  I told him to just keep talking to me so people driving by won’t think I have lost the van.  He said but mom you have.  I said I know hon I am getting old.  He said I know mom.  When I found the van after talking to my son, I said woohoo and hung up.  I put all of my loot in the van and got into the driver seat and began to cry.  Yep I am almost 49, my neck is a little wrinkly and my children are extremely young, labor intensive and fabulous and nerve wracking all wrapped into one.  I am engage and not engaged, in love and not in love, determined to do and become the best mother in the whole wide world and hormonal.  Just out and out K R A Z Y.  This too shall pass.  

This morning I woke up and turn on my preachers and voila there was Joyce Meyer www.joycemeyer.org , followed by TD Jakes and they were both speaking about going through until you get to the other side.  Joyce spoke about how her husband stayed with her when even she would’ve left her own self, she was unlovable and not a nice woman yet with his help she made it through.  It is a constant struggle to try to become the person that you should.  However without the struggle there would be no end in sight.  TD Jakes spoke about all of the things we have that we don’t know we have.  All of the things that we have gone through in our lives the Lord already knew we were going to go through them and He already knew we were going to eventually get it, learn the Lesson and come out victorious.  The victory may not come right away but in His time. This is the part that is so difficult.  We tend to second guess ourselves, when the thing we want is not coming as fast as we think it should. I am guilty of going back to what was comfortable and not move on and press through to be able to come out victorious.

Imagine what it must’ve been like to be Martin Luther King Jr.  He had to be anointed and appointed.  How many of us could have gone through all that he went through and still believe in the goodness and kindness of all mankind, similar to Anne Frank – there is a God in all of us.  How did he dig so deep inside to realize that what the Spirit is speaking to him is in fact the truth.  It is the only way and regardless of the personal sacrifices he had to go through the dream was bigger than him.  He was tempted as was Adam in the garden by a woman in life.  The apple is the woman’s sweet gift to man and the man rarely knows how to say no to free food.  However he must say No and we must say Not.  Just because it is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it is wrong.  Just because you don’t say you love me is not a reason to fall .  The gift that God has given me is this amazing ability to write and speak the spoken word on purpose and for my retirement at 55.

Get out of the Boat

Today is again another glorious Sunday!  My tests continued and from the plumbing issue I now have added to that a minor insurance issue.  By the end of the day yesterday I needed a hug and some love.  I know that this too shall pass, however it was still a hug night for me.  I went out dancing and had a blast.  I was tired by midnight and home and snuggled by 1 a.m.

The sermon this morning was about trusting in the Lord and getting out of the boat.  You know like Peter did – he got out of the boat and walked on water for a few minutes until he realized that the wind was strong and that he was actually on water – he looked down, took his focus off of the Lord, who was already walking on water, and began to sink.  Isn’t  that just the message I needed to hear today??!  I had a moment of weakness yesterday.  Listening to all of the married women at choir practice talking about going out on dates with their husbands, talking about going through some trauma and how good it was to be able to go through it with their husband and I felt sad inside.  You see, I don’t have that.  I don’t have anyone that can hep me with finances, not a husband that it.  I have my mother and my family and no doubt about 4 diva’s who I know have my back.  However being able to talk to someone about money and about goals and things in the future is not yet what I have.  I wish I did. I felt alone in their midst.  I needed a hug and I got it.  One never really knows what goes on in the relationships of people.  I can’t pass judgement.  I know that God has provided all of my needs and that he will continue to provide for me and my children now and into the future.  I may not like it.  I will encounter some strong winds. I just need to NOT take my eyes off of  Him.  I must believe even though I may sink a little, He can make the winds stop and calm the seas.  He will calm my seas.